Days at the Palace


Last night I dreamed I had a penis. Don’t get me wrong; my vagina was still there, so I was able to pee out of two openings at the same time. The vagina I could keep under control, but this new appendage in front was a little trickier. Every time I sat down to pee in the toilet bowl I accidentally sprayed everywhere because I knew what to do with one opening but definitely not the other. It was messy but also kinda fun.

We didn’t actually have toilets at the Palace, and of course that didn’t bother me. Why hide these pretty yellow streams we can make from everybody else? Sometimes we’d have contests to see who could make the most, and sometimes we mixed our fluids together in a pot and pretended it was a magical bowl of liquid that was part gold and part every one of us. When it started to smell, Chrysanthemum dumped the bowl into the pit next to the Palace as a way of letting all the Wendys know that the land was ours. The Wendys? You know them. They’re those girls who go to school and learn stuff and behave proper and usually they think we smell bad. There’s lots of them out there and it’s not like we don’t like them. I think they’re actually really pretty with their soft brushed hair and new clothes, but they’re just kinda trapped in what they do. Sometimes I wanted to kidnap one to be my best friend and I could teach her everything I knew and we could trade stickers and braid flowers together and make spit paintings. That would be fun.

My girls are not Wendys. They’re just my girls. They’re my real best friends and my family too. I love every one of them. They love me back, I know that for sure.

I don’t think I could say that any one of the girls was the leader, but if there was one, I would probably say it was Chrysanthemum. She could eat the most cheesecake in one sitting and she had the biggest fleshiest belly of all that she could mould into animal shapes as she growled like a wild beast. She also knew how to make pretty pinafores out of scraps found in the dumpster that belonged to that Wendy sewing school. I wanted her to make me one, but I guess that never happened. I don’t know where she is now; I think she managed to get away at the right time before it was too late.

It really was so much fun at the Palace. I really miss those girls. Lilac, especially, and Juniper too. Me and Juniper used to collect stickers together. We stealed them from the Wendy girls and hid them in our rooms. My favourite ones were the shiny metal dolphin ones, you know, the ones that you when you move them around you see lots of little rainbows? Rainbows and dolphins, so shiny. Wouldn’t it be great to become a shiny rainbow dolphin? I thought that if we ate them then we’d get rainbows and dolphins inside our bodies and in our tummies they’d transform us and make us just like them. That would be the closest we could be to becoming rainbow dolphins. So Juniper and I ate about a hundred of them, but we didn’t turn into dolphins. Instead we just pooped them all right out, but oooh, it was the most beautiful poops. It hurt, but we were able to make rainbow sparkle piles just like that. I think some of the girls were jealous, but that’s okay. We still loved each other.

What else should I tell you? You don’t seem very shocked by any of this. I thought you people get grossed out by this kind of thing.

I do want to look pretty. Not Wendy girl pretty, because Wendy girls start being Wendy ladies and then they’re just boring. That’s not pretty. Pretty is shiny and soft and ruffly and every colour. Pretty is like wearing a dance on your body. Pretty is just more fun.

My pretty is more fun. Because my pretty is what I want it to be.

Who cares if it’s dirty or stinky, as long as we can find ways of turning ourselves into flowers or dolphins and queens of the most majestic palace? I can turn myself into all sorts of things.

My favourite activity was Fashion Show. We took turns stealing fashion magazines and then we would copy the girls in the pictures (I don’t know if those girls were Wendys or not. They didn’t seem like Wendys too much, but they didn’t seem like us. I think they might have been a different kind of girl-creature.) by making the costumes they were wearing. Of course Chrysanthemum was the best at that, but I was pretty good after a while too. This one time, Hyacinth stealed a magazine called Penthouse and that was the most interesting fashion show. I made boobs out of fabric and stuffing and little flowers and drew on a little strip of fake hair where I didn’t have any. The older girls didn’t have to do that. It was already there and with lots more than the girls in the magazines. On the Penthouse day they showed off all their things they had and even some of them got the ideas to act them out. That’s when Hyacinth and Poppy, one of the other big girls, got carried away by that part and left together to go somewhere and forgot all about our fashion show. They said that it was yummy to taste one another and it made them really happy. After that, they moved their rooms together and Chrysanthemum told them they were getting a little too close to becoming Wendys but Hyacinth said she didn’t care because Poppy was her best best friend now.

You’re writing a lot down. I can tell you more stories if you want. I have so many great memories. Like when Lilac found this old doll and she really wanted to make it… what, me? What about me? That’s a funny question. We were together, a family. And you keep asking how I felt and you keep writing things down because you all think we’re bad and gross and stealers and we fart too much. And then you write everything down because it makes things better for you so you can use your fancy words. You know I felt happy when nobody wrote nothing down. You know I felt happy when it was just me and the girls. You know that. Then why do you keep asking? You want to make us bad and you want us to want to be Wendys. You are really friendly but I know you’re up to something.

But I want to tell you one more story. Another dream. I was a giant. Finally eating all that cheesecake really worked and I was bigger than our Palace and bigger than all the trees. My body was the most amazing thing that ever existed. All of everything was ten times bigger which meant that I was ten times prettier because I’m pretty and I was ten times me. Nobody was ever able to give me any trouble ever again because I was the biggest and the prettiest and everything my body did was ten times powerful than anything ever. That’s what I want to be. I want to be big and pretty and free and just do what I want to do and not feel like a grossball and nobody will try to change me or take me away from the friends I love. It’s really that simple. Write that down.

Oops, I peed on your couch. Sorry about that.